The Manual by Lissa Judd, extracts

From Chapter 3: Language

"If, one sunny Sunday, just as you’re heading off for a round of golf, full up with a satisfying eggy breakfast, and oozing contentment, your reverie is pierced with a “We never do anything together anymore” or “We never talk anymore,” be assured that the correct response is not “Yeah we do, see ya.” No, hers is the introductory remark that precedes several hours of soul-searching, gut-wrenching angst, which requires your hand-holding, reassuring attendance. There is no golf today. Announcements of this genre are only made prior to golf, and never as you contemplate cleaning out the septic tank. It is a test of your fidelity."

From Chapter 4: Operating Modes

"Most models of women in pre-menstrual mode are irrational, unpredictable creatures prone to bouts of unprovoked sobbing and hissy fits. Even the irreproachable Mr Claus should demur from gently chiding the pre-menstrual Mrs Claus with: “I think you’re overfeeding the reindeer, Cupcakes,” for fear of the “F... off, Whiskers” rejoinder."

From Chapter 5: Maintenance

"We must caution you to avoid offering apologetic chocolate - this can have the unintended but predictably Pavlovian effect of tainting all future gifts of chocolate with the rank odour of suspicion. If you’re such a chump as to buy a box of assorted from the dairy on your way home from golf, having spent way too long at the nineteenth hole, and only recalling the planned outing to her mother’s when you turned your phone on and found the missed calls and several crisp text messages from your wife - if you’re daft enough to proffer the small box of mass-produced on that occasion, then a subsequent impromptu gift of impassioned hand-mades from the expensive chocolatier will reek of infidelity. You are doomed. Flowers will only make it worse. Faux pas of the nineteenth hole variety merit a verbal apology only, and when she retaliates with tickets to some dopey film full of introspective women who are all moved to tears about nothing much in particular, then you should take it like a man."